Every day I deal with the hard charging world of Internet blogging, consulting and PR - and this is good. Today I learned of the demise of a great friend, and I cannot write about startups or Internet news and leave a sad story untold. So, for now my friends, clients and business associates, forgive me for digressing to the personal realm. Perhaps one such story might alleviate or even stop such tragedy in the life of even one who might read this. The story is about a man named Tim, an extraordinary fellow who I called my friend.

Freinds And Aquantances

Have you ever met someone and known instantly you would be great friends? You knew not out of some great effort on either part (though one might have presented itself) but rather because something about the person appealed to something in you? In the case of my friend Tim, this was as it was the day we met. I was stranded on this "task from hell" so to speak and called on the radio for someone to help. Mind you, this was one of those professions individuals do that should not be done alone in the first place - well no one answered the call for help. Well, that is save one person fully 40 miles (64.37km) away, and at the end of a long day himself.

One would expect any such rescuer to arrive on the scene "at least" pissed off to have traveled so far, but this was not the case with Tim - it never was the case. Tim was one of those rare people who would help anyone gladly with scarecely a complaine. For myself, I would gladly help anyone (and have), but I would have to at least gripe about something - not Tim, he just helped and went about his business never askin anything in return. This is the way he was - inselfish and a meticulous worker. Tim was a friend to everyone though some considered him an aquantance (I dont see how).

Rainy Day Friends

Fair weather friends are sort of "a dime a dozen" as you all know. Tim was the other type, the ones who are there without having been asked even - they sort of know they are needed. You know, as I write this I feel a little pitiful in my ability to even relate what I should about this person. Funny, hundreds of articles under my belt on everything from technology to ethics and I cannot summon simple words to express such a loss or even the character of a fine man. What do you say about someone who always does the right thing, always has a kind word, always meets his obligations and thinks of other people before himself? Tim was my rainy day friend.

Dark Recesses

Yesterday or the day before I delved into another paradox in dealing with Wikipedia’s suspect issues of late. I said that even excellent people like Jimmy Wales and visions like Wikipedia are often assaulted by proportionately damaging or even evil (if I can call it that) influences. I just discovered (for the 50th time) that this is how it is for all of us. The closer we come to excellence and yes goodness, the more assailed we often are by the other end of the spectrum. This was the case with my friend Tim and in his life. Always giving and taking little for himself, my good friend was under constant assualt. Either his own sense of worth or the opinions of others were constantly warring against all reason even - telling this fine person he was not enough! In the end, a most sad and bitter end - he took his own life.

Epitgaph

Please excuse my rather personal digression and expression of disconcertion over this personal tragedy. Everyone says things like; "Phil, your writing flows like water" and other kind remarks, when really I am just jotting down what I think. In this case I think it really sucks when a great person and friend is marginalized or minimalized to the point where there was no hope. We all traverse the same territory really, only the way we percieve it and the people close to us seem to make a difference sometimes.

Many would rationalize a suicide and not really understand how one might come to this sorry end. I watched my friend for years agonize over his postion - exactly caught between his honor, his desire to do the right thing and the hope that something better lay in store. The end was obviously a point where none of these things would ever seem to be reconciled - we are left with these wonderings - left only do pitiful little to honor a friend - to reconcile the unreconcilable. I am sure that if Tim could leave anything it would be smile for a stranger or a helping hand to someone who really needs it. Myself, I am restling with some words from D.H. Lawrence and his poem on self pity -

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself

My friend never exhibited self pity in the slightest form, and like a wild creature feared for little and ventured amid danger haphazardly. I however, tremble at the thought of his pain and the dispair that could have led to this. His pain was obvious on the outside sometimes, but as I see now, only a pale reminder of the thorns within. I remember seeing him once, 50 feet in the air working on a wire when I had become too cold to continue - selfless, brave and kind - perhaps all I can add to what may or may not have already been said about him. He was my friend - we should all be so blessed - I will miss you friend.