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Well, one cannot delve deep into the primordial mystery of eternity one day without digressing into wacky goofiness in an effort to balance the chakra I guess. So, today I ran across perhaps the stupidest collection of holiday gifts ever collected. Stupid.com has a list of the most stupid for this season’s holiday shoppers. If you have to get something for that special someone who has it all, then this may well be the list for you this season.

Hillary Nutcracker
At the top of my list, this too surreal toy/tool is obviously aimed at the 20th and maybe the 21st Century nutcracker extraordinary – Presidential hopeful Senator Hillary Clinton. The stainless steel thighs of this scary figurine stand poised to do some serious nut cracking apparently – this has to be the most ridiculous (or maybe least) gag present I have ever seen. I bet these sell like hotcakes in the dwindling middle class suburbs across the country - I can just see some bean counter husband calling in and asking for a custom version with his wife’s face superimposed.

Bush Countdown Key Chain
At number two on my list is a fairly useful (if your IQ is over 90 and income is less than $200,000) card keychain that is actually counting down the days until the American people receive at least a reprieve from total idiocy. I probably won’t get one however, as I will be able to tell he has left office as soon as the Earth’s air gets less heavy and this sense of foreboding leaves me. Also, I feel somehow that all over the America people will hear Charlton Heston demanding: “Let my people go” or some similar parting shot.

Slingshot Monkey
This is actually the cutest and potentially the most useful “stupid” holiday gift on the list (especially is used at the inauguration of our next President – against Bush). The slingshot monkey is designed to hurl a monkey effigy – dressed like a super hero up to 50 feet. Replete with cape and mask, the toy brings to mind what should probably come of the people represented by the two previous gifts – or “what to do with monkey business politicians.”

Harvest Your Own Pearl
This stupid gimmick is one of those things that make a person think: “I wonder why I did not think of that?” But then it is also cheaper to actually buy one cultured pearl than the $11.00 prince tag for essentially an oyster in a can with something in its craw. Someone was up way too late dreaming this one up.

Retro Phone Handset
I love this one – a 1960’s telephone handset for our miniature cell phones. This gift would be ideal for the bleached blond trophy wife alone in her giant SUV. You know the ones I mean, the ladies who can never use their turn signals because their left hand is on the phone – the ones who never signal and always look at you funny when they nearly kill you. There may even be some legislation in the works that requires these huge – hammer – headsets so that no one can talk for more than 15 minutes without getting a crick in their neck – think how much safer our roads would be.

Conclusion
Wasn’t it P.T. Barnum who said: “There is a sucker born every minute?” With all the crazy things lining people’s attics, closets and garages these days – the man was way ahead of his time if you know what I mean. However, if you ever received a 12 inch high rubber coated bottle of “Gumby” shampoo as a birthday present (yeah I actually got one) then these whacky gifts seem a little normal by comparison. For relieving tension and getting a few laughs – you will probably agree that stupid is sometimes as appropriate.